


Happy Birthday, Cyrus

by David3090



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-12
Updated: 2019-02-12
Packaged: 2019-10-26 19:01:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17751656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/David3090/pseuds/David3090
Summary: "When it was over, when the rage was expelled from our body and our lungs ran out of oxygen, when our hearts beat faster and faster and everything indicated that this was our end, we burst out laughing. Exactly the same as our first night in this hellish apartment, but this time we did not drink wine, nor celebrate the beginning of a new life. We were just there, unable to stop laughing, almost naked, sweaty and imperfect."





	Happy Birthday, Cyrus

* * *

_Today I remembered the first afternoon you and I spent together. I don’t even know why, but all of a sudden, I was there again. In that Saturday, with the cold wind that made me forget we were in the middle of summer, the loneliness in the park, you, waiting next to that old tree with your nervous face, without knowing what to do with your hands or where to look at. I remember all this as if it really were important, no, that’s not what I wanted to say. I mean, as if it were Saturday, the cold wind or the old tree were really relevant in our story, as if by not remembering this, our past would change completely._

_When I got near you, you told me that I looked pretty handsome, with a fearful smile in your face. I didn’t know what to say, I just smiled and blush, trying to control the urge to scream with happiness, trying to ignore the strong feeling in my stomach, the one I could never erase from my memory. Nor I can erase the image of that young and anxious Cyrus in front of me, the Cyrus that I fell in love with, the one that made me want to kiss him, the one I was afraid to confess everything that has always been obvious between us… but the only thing I could do was start talking about the weather. Of how the global warming surely was responsible for the cold wind, that the climate was less crazy when we were children, that we could do something to change it._

_You heard each one of those words, as if you actually cared, as if it wouldn’t matter what came out of my mouth, the important thing was those thoughts were just for you. Only you._

_Then, I dared to tell you, confess that I also felt nervous and you looked into my eyes, as if you couldn’t believe that T.J Kippen could feel anxious in front of you. For a few seconds, words weren’t necessary between us; we just looked at each other ant listened to the tranquility of the park in the middle of the afternoon._

_And right now I’m looking at the scar that I made on my left knee, do you remember? I was using my favorite blue cap to hide my messy hair, you insisted that I looked better with my wild hair than with that stupid thing in my head. So, you took my cap off unexpectedly and we ran one after the other like little children, ignoring the looks of the few people in the park, feeling some burning in our lungs, laughing having fun being together. Until I fell._

_You came running to my side and left my cap on the grass, scared to see a small blood stain on my pants. I tried to calm you down, telling you that this was normal, that I was used to seeing my knees bleed; and although it was true, it hurt horrible, maybe because of the blow, maybe because of the feeling of being ridiculed. You apologized three times and I told you that it was fine and decided to lie down for a while to look at the stars, so that my knee stopped hurting a little, to last a few more minutes together._

_As an apology, you invited me to The Spoon for dinner, I don’t even remember what we ate, but I remember that we laughed like crazy, it was the first time I heard your strong, scandalous and ugly laugh that you are so ashamed of and that I like to listen to. And I also remember the waitress who watched us with sympathy, I like to think that when she saw us, she remembered her first love._

_You ordered a slice of chocolate cake that neither of us liked, but we still share as if instead of being the first time we went out together to eat, it was our third anniversary._

_When we realized that it was time your father would worry if you did not come back home, we went to your house, I did not even remember the cap we left in the park or the tiny drops of blood that occasionally came out of my knee. In my head I could only think that it would be the perfect opportunity to hold your hand and enjoy the rare summer night when we went out alone for the first time. But I was a coward, I'm still sorry for that._

_We arrived at your house, remember? The lights in almost all the rooms were on and you told me you should go fast before anyone noticed that we were outside._

_It seemed to be the perfect moment for which I had prayed so much to the universe, your face perfect and calm in front of me, once again you did not know where to put your hands, it seemed that your lips were as desperate as mine. I thought about finally telling you what you probably already knew, that I was dying to kiss you, that since I met you I couldn’t get you out of my mind, that I would like to be able to call you boyfriend._

_And for a solid five seconds I thought I was going to do it._

_But your father appeared at the door and looked at us as if for the first time in his life he realized that, in fact, his son is gay. Those were the most horrible and unbearable thirty seconds of my adolescence. Your father told us he was happy that you were here, that he would let us say goodbye and he went back into the house._

_You looked at me one last time with something I could not decipher in your face and now that I think about it, I believe you were waiting for me to dare to do it, to kiss you so that uncomfortable moment with your father was worth the shame we went through, but I didn’t._

_I was a coward, remember?_

_You smiled, I could see some sadness in your eyes, you hugged me and you said that you had had an incredible time, that you were sorry about my knee; I could see on your face that you remembered the cap that we left forgotten in the park, you promised me that you would buy me two new ones that I would like more I told you that there was no problem, that someone who cares a lot told me that I looked better with messy hair._

_You smiled, with a blush barely visible in the darkness of the night and to my surprise, you kissed me on the cheek, tenderly, calmly and fleetingly. I watched you enter your house unable to process everything my body and mind were feeling, still with the warmth of your lips on my cheek, containing the desire to scream with happiness._

_I never told you, but the smile and the tickling throughout my body lasted much more than a week and although my parents did not ask me anything, they noticed my new happier and effusive behavior._

_That seems so far away, like our one-year anniversary, remember? Three days before you said you did not want to do anything special, that a dinner in a romantic restaurant, a box of chocolates, a bouquet of flowers and a thousand promises of eternal love did not sound like the best way to celebrate what we felt the one for the other. For me it wasn’t either._

_So, that Friday, after my parents went to visit my grandmother, we spent the night locked in my room; We chose movies that we were sure the other one was going to hate and we saw each one of them, complaining all the time, eating too much pizza, drinking too much soda, stealing some wine that my father thought he had hidden, laughing, lips tired from so much kissing ._

_You told me about the things you pretended didn’t worry you, about how you felt that the future seemed to be separating you from so many people, that it was getting harder and harder to see Andi and Buffy, that you always talked in the group chat, but that you were not sure if that would be enough to remain the same as always._

_And I told you that I was not going to give you the typical sermon that things are changing, that this is the way of life and that no matter what, you will always be friends, this isn’t my job, I told you. And you asked me what was my job then. And I hug you, your head in my chest. You listened to my heart beating and then I told you that my job is making you feel better, even if things are not going to stay the same._

_You said that only my hugs could calm you like this, and finally, with a big sigh you told me what was actually bothering you._

_Collage. You told me you were not sure if our relationship could work long distance, that maybe I would find someone much more interesting in one of my new classes, that you did not want me to stop for you, than in your head, the knew guy I fell in love was named Alex, and he’s intelligent, handsome and knows how to dance much better than you._

_I held you tight and I told you, with all the security of the world, that anyone could dance much better than you. You laughed and gave me a light blow to the abdomen, I laughed a little too, thinking the perfect words to make you feel good. But before I could say anything, you said that if at this moment I wanted to finish things, we could do it._

_I did not hesitate to tell you that you were crazy and that I would be stupid just considering leaving you for the handsome professional dancer named Alex. Little by little the fatigue was winning and you fell asleep in my arms. You looked so cute that I decided to take a few pictures of us, remember? That was the only photo that we framed and shortly after, I fell sleep too._

_This is how we spent our first anniversary. And before we knew it, it was my time to go to college. You helped me pack the rest of my things, when the last box was in the car we both cried without saying much. And my parents looked at us with sadness and discomfort. I kissed you many more times than I could count and I told you that we would make this work, no matter what, that if necessary I would leave all my classes and came back to you. My parents were not happy to hear that, but they did not say anything._

_You told me that you would never let me do that and just before getting into the car, I felt it was the right time to tell you all the feelings that had been inside my heart and mind over all our time together. The fear was there, but this time I did not cowered and I told you, loud and clear for the very first time I love you._

_I think if you look carefully at my naked shoulder you can still see the mark of the punch you gave me as soon as the words came out of my mouth. You screamed at me that I had to be a stupid bastard to tell you this right now. Now that I was leaving for so long. And I just looked at you, more and more sure of my love._

_When you were a little calmer, I told you that I thought it would be a romantic moment, one that I ruined because I had a little speech memorized from imagining this conversation between us._

_You kissed me and for a moment all the worries disappeared, as if the real antidote for suffering was your lips in mine. When we separated, you told me that you would give me more time to improve the speech, that the next time we met I would tell you every part of it._

_I entered the car and you asked me to call you as soon as I arrived at the university, you told me that you believe in me, that you knew that I could achieve all the goals that I wanted, that I better stay out of problems. At the end, still insecure about your words you told me, I love you too._

_I looked at you one last time and we shared a last kiss, a little sweeter, faster and much, much sadder._

_Remember? I bet that scene is as shameful to you as it is to me, maybe because now we are much older or maybe because the following year we decided to move to a small apartment near your university and close to mine._

_It wasn’t easy at all. Dealing with college, work and living together for the first time was strange and complicated and stressful. We barely saw each other and when we did, you would watch some old program in the small living room and I would stay in our bedroom, listening to the radio at a barely audible volume, looking at the small piece of city that our window allowed, smoking like if that's what my life depended on._

_But everything changed the day we discussed, in the most ridiculous way possible. It was Sunday almost midnight, you were watching TV, I had just finished smoking my last cigarette. The heat in the apartment was unbearable and for some reason I was dying to hear the sound of the rain. I turned off the radio, I did not even remember it was on and I decided to go with you. Maybe watch TV for a while, try to fix for the first time in these months the rare situation that we both try to ignore._

_When I entered the room, I realized that you were asleep, curiously, the last this had happened it was raining. And we were not as bad as now. I carried you to bed, whispered in your ear how much I love you, enjoying the little and special moment together._

_This time it was different, so I approached calm and slow to you, you looked so relaxed and innocent, as in those days when we started being boyfriends, for a few moments I yearned for that Cyrus and that TJ who knew everything to fix with kisses, pizza and occasionally stealing wine._

_I didn’t know whether to sit by your side, take you to our room like the last time or maybe wake up and talk about how bad we are working now, to be able to get better before it's too late._

_In the end, I devoted myself to contemplate your face a little more, listen to your snoring and listen to the man on television who offered glasses with which you could see the future, also gave a vest that would help you have a better body than Hercules. I believed him. Then I turned off the television, putting up with the urge to call and buy some glasses for our friends._

_I decided to take you to bed like the last time and I could see in you at that moment the man I fell madly in love with, I remembered that once I told you that my job is making you feel better._

_I thought that tomorrow I would make you a delicious breakfast before starting our chaotic day, ask you to talk about all the things that take us further and further away, confirm that I still love you and that will not ever change._

_But unintentionally, I hit the coffee table with one leg and the vase that was in the middle with a sunflower was shattered. You opened your eyes violently. Anger was visible in your eyes, in your face, in your agitated breathing._

_When I realized, it was impossible to stop, you were screaming and I was doing the same. We claimed postponed dinners that nobody remembered, hurtful comments that now didn’t seem so important, the first kiss that I couldn’t dare to give you in our first afternoon together, the slices of pizza that you ate without asking me before if I wanted them, the dirty clothes watered by the department, the unbearable smell of the cigar in our sheets._

_When it was over, when the rage was expelled from our body and our lungs ran out of oxygen, when our hearts beat faster and faster and everything indicated that this was our end, we burst out laughing. Exactly the same as our first night in this hellish apartment, but this time we did not drink wine, nor celebrate the beginning of a new life. We were just there, unable to stop laughing, almost naked, sweaty and imperfect._

_I was the first one to apologize, you took my hand and said there was nothing to forgive, but you also apologized and then I kissed you. I could feel that energy that we always radiated when we were together locked in your room trying not to make a lot of noise so that your father would not realize that we had stopped watching TV for a long time and we were kissing and touching in a way probably not very appropriate for our age._

_We did not say anything else, we gave ourselves to the kisses, to the touch so different and special, your hands rubbing my body once again, your seductive, charming and shy look at the same time, that night we were again the Cyrus and T.J from before, but, somehow, different._

_Do you remember, Cy? After that night our lives began to be much better, there was no need to miss the teenagers we once were, the quietest restaurants in the city began to be ours once again, seeing Andi, Buffy and Jonah was starting to be fun again._

_Our life together was on his way, the magic we thought we lose the past year was again with us, stronger than ever._

_Do you remember my twenty-fifth birthday? We organized a small dinner in the restaurant that we knew all our guests were going to hate except us, to our surprise, everyone showed up. Happy to celebrate with you such an important age. Even your parents and my parents were there._

_It was not the most elegant place, or the quiet and relaxing dinner that I expected to have only by your side, but you convinced me that on the weekend we could have our own celebration, order some food to a even less expensive restaurant, watch some horror movie and drink the bottle of wine we were saving for a special occasion._

_The night was full of questions for both of us, that if our new jobs were better, than if the new apartment was actually good, that if we ever thought about moving to a bigger house, that getting married was not an obligation, but it would not be bad to give one or another grandson to our proud parents._

_You looked at me, unsure of answering those important questions, questions we had never dared to ask between us. Of course, we had fantasized about that beautiful house in Italy, where you would write all the books and poems you could and I would paint some beautiful paintings or draw, we would make our own jam and we would buy that toaster that you always wanted to have, although we hate jam and toasted bread. We would have a piano, in that perfect image, we both knew perfectly how to play it. And there would be enough space to increase our small family of two._

_When we were back home, lying in bed ignoring the same cheap infomercial of the perfect glasses that could see the future, those that we still had unopened in a box, we decided to talk about all that our parents and friends had been asking for a while. The only issue that had been important that night. We realized that this beautiful house in Italy would not be easy to get, that we could not keep up with my paintings because I cannot even paint a wall well and that writing is one of your great passions but you could do it anywhere in the world._

_I kissed you and you kissed me, then, as if we were fools, we realized that maybe that fantasy could never become real, nor would I learn to paint, nor will you write your masterpiece in the middle of the night on some beach in Italy, nor play the piano at dawn._

_But we could get a nice house outside the city, with a large garden, we would listen to the radio at midnight and we would continue to see useless infomercials, getting married did not sound like the craziest idea in the world, having a child sounded like an impossible adventure to achieve. But all this, by your side is worth trying. You kissed me again after I told you this, remember?_

_That night we slept embraced, it was already quite clear, the second part of our life together was beginning._

_And now that I remember this, I do not know why, my memory is filled with images of the first birthday we spent together as boyfriends. remember? I think it was six months after that first summer afternoon that I almost dared to kiss you, a few days after celebrating our three-month anniversary._

_A few days before, between our anniversary and your birthday, I asked you what would be the perfect gift, my neurons died thinking about the perfect gift for our little anniversary and I still feel pathetic for having given you chocolates. You told me that no matter what the gift was, it would be special because it was from me._

_So, I decided to give you the ugliest and worn basketball I could find among my things and when you admitted that you hated it, I would give you your real gift, that book that your parents had refused to buy. After so long I can’t remember the damn name, but I remember that your parents thought it was a book not suitable for your age, if only they knew the things that we did locked up in my room..._

_Actually, it was good that they never found out, although we both know perfectly well that they suspected it._

_So, the big day came, I arrived half an hour late, trying to wrap up the horrible fucking ball, but it was useless. So when you opened the door and I gave you your birthday present, it was a real disappointment to see your face full of joy, to hear your sincere happiness to thank me for the gift, how much you boasted the ball with your friends and family._

_At first everyone looked at you like you were crazy, but then you explained that that ball was the one with which I learned to play basketball, that my parents gave it to me, that it had spent so much time with me that it was beginning to be an invaluable object._

_Everyone looked at the ball as something special and I looked at you incredulous because I did not think you would remember the history of my old basketball. Even, the last time you told the story, I thought it would have been a better gift that ball than the stupid book._

_When people finally left your house and your parents went out to buy Chinese food for dinner, I showed you the book and told you about my evil plan that had gone to waste because of how much you liked the ball. You kissed me and you told me I was a fool for trying to scare you on your birthday, I told you that I was definitely a fool, but for not believing in your words._

_You laid your head on my lap and talked about your party, about some of your cousins who were here and I do not remember seeing, how much you liked the cake of the new bakery near The Spoon, that if my plan had worked It would have been really funny._

_You asked me how I imagined our life would be in ten years and I told you that if it was by your side, I would not care much where or how we were, together we would always be happy._

_And now, we're here, ten years later._

_I can’t believe that so much time has passed, nor do I believe that eight months ago we dared to do something that we never thought would happen._

_Do you remember our last night in the good apartment? Boxes still empty, packing all those things that meant our lives, thinking about what destiny would bring us after this important decision, this decision that would change us forever._

_I asked you exactly three times if we were ready to do this, if we would really dare to do it and the three times you said yes. Then I saved my words and did not tell you that if at some point you regretted it, we could stop._

_That night we slept on the floor._

_When I woke up the last boxes of our life together were gone, and so were you, and the life that I thought we had built on strong foundations of steel. Everything disappeared with no return, finally, the luck of a coward run out. The time by your side ceased to exist._

_And now it's your birthday once again. I have next to me the musical box with your favorite song, your name engraved and the words "I love you" that I thought to give you today and I have in my hands the ring that I would have give you on our tenth anniversary, when I would ask you to marry me_

_I don’t even know what happened, nor how it was possible that we destroyed our lives together in such a short time, I do not understand that this time, really, we are not victorious and loving each other. Damn it, I do not even know if this damned message is still being recorded on your voicemail._

_I'm drunk, really, really, really drunk, but I know you noticed when you start hearing my voice, when you hear me remember our whole life together and I know that, every time I asked you if you remembered something, you would have tell me with a smile that it would be impossible to forget all this , even if you tried hard to do it._

_I do not even know what to tell you._

_I hope you are well and I want to apologize for never having told you the speech of my love for you and for never having improved it. I just wanted to tell you that from the moment I met you, I knew that eventually I would love you, even if you did not feel the same as me. That you are the only man that I will truly love, that you were, you are and you will always be the perfect man of my life._

_I think it’s time to stop, before I tell you that my life has no meaning without you or that the stars have lost their light since I'm not with you. You know I hate that kind of crap._

_I guess I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry, for not daring to kiss you that summer afternoon, for breaking the vase that your grandmother gave you, for not asking you to stay with me eight months ago. For remaining the same coward that leaves you a voice message instead of going out looking for you..._

_Happy birthday, Cyrus, wherever you are, happy birthday._

_I miss you._

* * *

 

When the message was over, when his eyes could finally stop looking at the only picture they framed, Cyrus looked at the window and said _I miss you too_

**Author's Note:**

> Just three things  
> 1.- I had this idea when the year started, but I started working on it a few days ago.  
> 2.- This was supposed to be a drabble.  
> 3.- This was supposed to have a happy ending.
> 
> If you like it (or you hate it) leave a comment :)  
> Thanks for reading.


End file.
